Emergency Message
From: Allah (email other email, please) [mailto:god@trinityholy.info]
Sent: Saturday, May 19, 2012 9:03 AM
To: Kerkko Paananen
Subject: Emergency Message May 2012
Importance: High
Beards Save Lives
In a report released yesterday, research think-tank Xegis Solutions noted that beards had a direct correlation to combat effectiveness. Said lead researcher Jonathon Burns, "We took 100 soldiers. 25 were Special Forces with beards, 25 Special Forces without beards, 25 were regular Army allowed to grow beards for the study, and the last 25 were regular Army without beards. All 100 of these subjects were in direct combat in Afghanistan during the study." He continued, “Xegis Solutions had several teams of researchers embedded with these troops to make observations on their combat effectiveness. The results were overwhelming, out of the 50 soldiers with beards, zero were wounded or killed and they had a significantly higher accuracy of fire than the soldiers without beards. The soldiers lacking beards had a higher rate of weapons malfunctions and basically, shit went wrong most of the time.” CENTCOM Commander Gen. James E. Mattis issued a statement to all US troops in combat zones: "The time has come for the Armed Forces to accept the facts, and the facts are that beards save lives. It is settled science. In light of this information we will enforce a rule requiring all males to wear at least one inch of facial hair at all times. Furthermore, any females able to grow facial hair are encouraged to do so as well."
http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/04/pentagon-study-finds-beards-directly-proportional-to-combat-effectiveness/
Hitler's Wallet
Q: It is 1933. You are in Berlin, Germany. Somehow, you find yourself in a position where you can effortlessly steal Adolf Hitler's wallet. This theft will not effect Hitler's rise to power, the nature of World War II, or the Holocaust. There is no important identification in the wallet, but the act will cost Hitler forty Reichsmarks and completely ruin his evening. You do not need the money. The odds that you will be caught committing this crime are less than two percent. Are you ethically obligated to steal Hitler's wallet?
Swede Shocked by Elk Threesome
A man in Sweden was greeted by an unusual sight on Wednesday morning when he saw three elk engaged in what appeared to be group sex in his backyard. "I had just gone out on the balcony to get some fresh air," Peter Lundgren, a 43-year-old marketing manager from Lindome, told The Local. "They were eating apples and then suddenly they assumed the position," Lundgren said. He grabbed his camera to document the young male elk mounting an older female elk, which in turn appeared to be licking the rear end of another young male elk. “I'd never seen anything like it. Not with elk, at least,” he said. Elk are a common sight in his neighbourhood, frequently roaming from nearby wooded areas through people's yards. While he is used to seeing elk get tipsy from eating fermented apples, Lundgren said he was wholly unprepared to have a front row seat at an elk sex show taking place in his backyard.
http://www.thelocal.se/article.php?ID=36994&print=true
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